My presentation was TERRIBLE. Horrible, disastrous, a total failure. This is just my second month in teacher's Ann class. I started in March after I change class from teacher Kim-she is an amazing and cool teacher and I really want her as my teacher but sadly, the class wasn't as good as her. They were really anti-social and the guys and girls were sitting far apart like from a total different planet. The class was really quiet, like a grave and no one even bothered to introduce themselves. I didn't give much thought to that because it was the beginning of the year anyway, probably need more time to get "warmed up". Even an anti-social like me, I was surprise that I was the first one to actually say the simple word that is always use when you're meeting new people "hello". Expecting a warm, loud and cheery reply, just like my friends from my class last year, their "hello" was hardly audible and some even avoided my gaze and turned to face their friends or exchange glances with their friends. It really took me by surprise. The reactions I received was totally different from my friends in my class last year. (Anisa, Wen Li, Lisa, Jun Kit..) That's when I found out that most of the students in the class had joined Ace not long ago or just started joining Ace and I knew that's not the class for me. At least for an anti-social like me- I can't get anywhere from there with mixing with people that is on the same level as my quiet, low-confident person in me.

So, I decided to change to teacher Ann's class. The class is the totally opposite from that class-it is so chatty, and lively and I was even greeted by a guy, whom I noticed the most talkative, with "Hey, sexy!" I was clearly taken by surprise. Not only with the open "hello" but with the vast difference between the two classes. When I got there, I made quite a few friends with the girls. I even know one of them from the Ace Maths class( which I already quit xD), Ling Wai, and her friend Sue-En. I even got to know a girl, who speaks really good English, Rebecca. I began to settle in a little.

I tried to tell myself that I can fit in this class, which is a really huge one too and I had started in a small class since last year, so I wasn't use to a big class, eventhough deep down inside, I am beginning to feel intimidated and feeling small. Nevertheless, the class is still fun to be in. Teacher Ann gave us games to play. I tried my best to be chatty as I can be but sometimes, I often let a conversation, even with Ling Wai, close up real fast that I will be once again found myself being alone with Ling Wai, busy chatting with Sue-En. I didn't have the courage to join in the conversation...and I don't know why..just like in science tuition between Anisa and Wen Li. (Maybe I was feeling intimidated when Wen Li's there... I think?) So, I just kept myself busy with work.

The same thing would happen in school. Like when Marianne speak Magdalene, I just let it be without even stepping in, eventhough Magdalene is my wonderful and funny friend and had kept me company. Sometimes I feel like I am too quiet and dull to be her friend or whenever Xian Ting, Priya, Jeanne and Emily are talking and there I am, always on the sideline. This made me feeling so self-conscious all the time . I became more withdrawn by constantly bringing storybooks to school to read just to keep myself busy. I am completely in my own world. And I am sick of it. But what can I do?? Be more talkative?? But how?? When can I finally break through my shell??

Anyway, today, I just embarrassed myself by my boring speech and I think my nervousness is written clearly all over my face. I saw someone even snored but there are some who still listen, and I really appreciate that. I am really dissapointed in myself. I got an A- for it.

I cried just now and me and my mum had a heart-to- heart chat. I wasn't crying over that crappy presentation. I just thought about my past, when I was a really chatty and not to forget a rough and naughty young brat too. Do you know that when I was in standard 1, my class teacher actually tape my mouth just because I couldn't stop talking and even tied me to my chair because I move around too much? That I wonder, what made me change into a boring, dull, low confident person??

I guess it's because I can't take people talking bad about me. I was once criticized for being such a tomboy that I should just be a boy and mix with them, which at that time, boys were referred to as dirty, smelly, sweaty, naughty brats, and I was kinda like them. Prove? I got scolded by one of my friends mum who personally met me because her daughter complained that I hit her too hard. Maybe I was playing too roughly with her but the incident left a great impact on me. I think, that's when I started reinventing, changing myself and I wasn't happy at all. It took me a long time to realize it. I've been letting these people bring me down and making me feel small that I felt worthless, and a nobody. I realize that I have to stop letting people change me and be who I am.

I think I can finally understand this quote: I AM WHAT I AM.

All thanks to my mum =)